When your all is not enough...

photo by You Version

When you go through the deep waters, I will be with you. Isaiah 43:2. 

Possible Sound Track to listen to while reading- Lauren Daigle "Rescue", or "You Say" :)

           In life, we all go through seasons of deep water. They seem to consume your entire self. My mind gets overwhelmed easily, my control personality sets in, and I get locked into a series of mind struggles that by the end of the struggle have broken me into so many pieces that I am left feeling either weaker, because I have not tapped into God's source of strength in the struggle, or stronger because I have. I want to share with you a recent moment of weakness in hopes that if you are struggling, you also may reach out to God for his strength and know you are not alone. 

          Pregnancy has been such a wonderful time for me, I know it is not for many people, but I am one who enjoys being pregnant. I had little nausea or adverse reactions to growing a little one. Before my first one was born, I began to prepare my heart and mind for what being a mom may look like. I knew we were planning on me staying home, so I got my mind ready to tell my co-workers I was leaving teaching for a while and began preparing my heart for the "struggle" people told me about. I heard lack of sleep, breastfeeding, being the need, and so much more makes being parents worn out. No one told me that you don't understand this until you have your first child at your house. 

April 2014

           After my oldest was born April 2014, I was so tired due to labor, and yet you don't get a week off. WHAT? You are instantly pushed into being told when you can sleep, or not by this little being that cries to talk. BOOM. The first hit in the face of reality, really my time is not my own. Second, with help from nurses and hopefully biology, you are supposed to start feeding your baby up to every hour no matter how sore or tired you are.. Ok, the sacrifices begin. This is not exactly easy at first, your selfish flesh is saying- What what about me? (But trust me after about 4 years into this mom thing, my level of selfishness has begun to drop as I am reminded of how much you love others). Anywho, after the first week of having a baby, we got hit with our first moment of Mommy intuition being tapped into. I had been breastfeeding Emma for a week and yet she was so tired all the time, not eating much and having less wet diapers. We tired some formula just to see if it was just my milk not coming in, and she ate it but slumped over very little response. OK time to act. On Easters eve 2014, we packed her up and took her to the ER. Her temp was very low, opposite what you might think, and they began testing for infection, and she finally let a big bowel movement when they tested her temp at her bottom. It was an explosion. (Which for a mom who hadn't seen a good one since the hospital was a relief). 

          This was my first experience with a baby and first attack of feeling like my all was not enough. The Devil told me "how can a mom who loves their child not know there was a problem before now?", "Are you even doing things right?", and the like were circling my tired mind. I realized that since she was born I hadn't slept more than 1 hr at a time - my mind rushing, never slowing to pass out from exhaustion. We found out that my oldest was ok, after 3 days of testing, they said that it was lethargy? WhAT? I was still breastfeeding and giving her formula every once in a while. My initial understanding of what my daughter was going through was, it's ME, I am unable to feed her well enough to help her thrive. (Satan). I then visited the BF clinic, so often that they knew me by name, and every time I went I was reassured to keep trying to BF, breastfeed, but knowing that each time I tried to feed her she never took more than 1oz. At 4 months, same- So by week 5, I gave into pumping full time and feeding the 4 oz I would get from pumping 10-12 times a day. I wanted so bad to get a good thing, but my body didn't respond to anything. I tried it all, herbs, sleep, eating, drinking more water, power pumping my guts out over and over...... Every moment I wasn't pumping I heard the pump sound in my mind... ZZ ZZZ  ZZZ.. 7 months after and so many pumps later, I pumped the same- less than 1oz per 30 min pump, and 1 bottle full of milk every 5 days! 

           This whole time I am not sleeping, stressing about everything, making my husband begin to wonder if I was ok and who is this he married, and me thinking I'm not enough. My ALL is not enough. Thankful for an encouraging prayer-filled husband, he told me "Molly you have worked so hard and have given everything you can do, If you want to be done pumping- I support you all the way." This was so encouraging and yet so hard to concider.. But I did, and just like this whole time- GOD WAS THERE WITH ME, through all of the cryings, praying, struggling, wondering why my body didn't work like all my friends who just said "well have you tried this" knowing I had and they were digging into the wound deeper.  Things slowly got better but my mind would still struggle with so many things.

           Fast forward 1 year, my oldest turned one, very happy and healthy, and we decided to try to have another child. Knowing my struggles postpartum, but longing to have another child, I geared up. I knew for me pregnancy would be the less battle but the post-pregnancy was the struggle. 

March 2016

            March 2016, my second little girl was born, at 42 weeks and all 9 lbs 9 oz. of her! WOW! She began to eat and thinking she was so big and hungry, maybe I would be able to breastfeed again and little pumping. But lo and behold, day after we got out of the hospital, I visited the BF clinic and she was not getting any milk at a 40 min feeding time. SO We rented a hospital grade pump and began that journey again. This time around I didn't sleep well again, mind swirling, and by 6 months needed to see someone. After visiting with the DR I realized I was suffering from postpartum depression and anxiety, PPD/ A, and I got some medical help. My struggle felt so real- I struggle with PPD after babies and I needed help. Even with all the prayers and crying out to God, he said you need some extra help I have created. With the help and continued support from my husband and family, I was able to venture forward enjoying more baby time knowing God took care of thing and I had more help to quiet my mind to enjoy his peace! As a mom, I have found that no matter the choices you make for your children if it is done in love and unto the Lord, he will be your source of strength even when the world seems against you!

           Why do I write this, First of all, each of us struggles as mothers, grandparents, foster moms, adopted moms, ect. to do the best for our children but we are all different, having a heart of peace and discernment when talking to other moms, whose struggles are so different, is so vital for our village approach to raising kids.  Sometimes, when you think you are helping you are just digging into their wounds deeper, no matter if you want to help or not. I have been trying to ask God for wisdom to know what to say and how to really encourage others when talking to them. Allowing God to speak words of encouragement to others is so much more powerful than any mess of encouragement made without God's help.

          Second, through my struggle with breastfeeding,  PPD/A, taking medication, and coming off medication, God has been there the whole time. It isn't weak to ask God to show you more and to find more help. I have found that depression is a struggle of mind but I have faith in knowing When you go through the deep waters, I will be with you. Isaiah 43:2.  God is with you, no matter the struggle, or the choice you have to make. Step out in faith, being " prayed up", knowing that you are loved no matter the struggle. I am still in a season of healing through this struggle and words and conversations bring up old demons that I still need to give to God every moment of every day, still knowing With God there is victory. 

          Be blessed, encouraged, strengthened, and given rest through each trial you go through while you stand on the promised of GOD!