Redemption

 

Redemption: the action of saving or being saved from sin, error, or evil.  (Merriam Webster). 

To be redeemed is a wonderful and life-changing event. God so loved the world that he gave us HIS son that whosoever believes in him would not perish but have everlasting life. We have been redeemed from the sin that ensnares and given life eternal with God. I am so excited to share another redeeming moment in my life. A moment that God said-" Molly this is what I have for you, take it and enjoy the life I have for you."

December 27, 2018 we welcomed a new little boy into our family, Garrett Jon Vanden Top. Gerrit John is from Matthew's family. Gerrit is a Dutch spelling and we decided for ease of spelling we changed it to the American spelling and John to Jon is from my family, My Father's name is Jon! Now my Dad, who was the last boy in the family and had 2 wonderful girls, has 2 namesakes that will pass on his wonderful name and wonderful prayed Spirit which is silly and strong in the Lord! 

As many may not know, I have suffered from postpartum depression and anxiety. From the moment that these wonderful gifts enter this world my hormones and anxiety has kicked into full gear. This paralyzes me from enjoying this first newborn state, getting out the house, fear the unknown for my family, and stifles my ability to sleep or even rest. My first child went back into the hospital 1 week after being born with lethargy, I believe stemming from lack of consumption of milk due to my milk coming in so late and so little. After this moment of realization, my whole ideology of being a mom was called in to challenge- or what I thought Motherhood would be. I struggled with anxiety for around a year, we got pregnant with our second child. I didn't have time for the anxiety so most of the time it was squelched. Then our second child was born and the ppd/a (postpartum depression and anxiety) showed it's ugly face. I struggled with the same things unable to sleep, unable to think rationally in the midst of simple decisions, not able to relax and feed my child, and paralyzing feelings. About 6 months, after she was born I went to the doctor for another ailment and found her telling me, have you considered taking medication for depression and anxiety. I was floored and the same shame that showed up after not being able to breastfeed or pump much came back in this form. But being supported by my family, I stepped into this healing process through medication. I found this allowed me to begin grieving my quintessential motherhood and begin to accept what was in front of me and free me from paralyzing feelings into rest and healing. I was also able to regain my footing and turn to God, who I knew was there all the time but I was paralyzed from accepting his PEACE, into turning to him for healing. After 2 years and just finished with medication feeling great, we thought about having another child. I love being pregnant but postpartum stuff was a big conversation for my husband and I. If any of you struggle with this your husband also struggle to find ways to help and suffers with you.  He has been a rock even though the biggest struggle of my life thus far. He and I wondered if it would be worth the struggle again. It was! SO here comes baby three! 

December 27, 2018, I was easily induced and 4 hours later, Garrett joined us. This pregnancy was wonderful and with wonderful support from my husband, my midwife, my BSF bible study ladies, and my family, I was able to make a  more defining decision for my pregnancy and postpartum life that has brought me to today. I am currently 3.5 weeks post partum and redemption is the word I would declare for this time. 

I declare redemption from the evils of paralyzing anxiety and depression, redemption from a "this is what motherhood has to be like" mentality of comparisions that paralize, redemtption from feeling my only enjoyment should come from a perfect breastfeeding view and the realization I am more than that milk I am able to produce for my child and redeption from shoving out God in my dark times and accepting HIS peace that passes all understanding. God has redemed my memories of struggle times into a beautiful underastanding that this time is a gift from God and he holds no preconcieved "this is the only way to be a mom" ideology but I am realizing God has given me a certain toolbox of talents and gifts that my kids need. I have been realizning this as I enjoy this moments of less sleep, interuptions, endless diapers and wiping buns. I am a redeemed child of God finally at age 31 stepping into the mother and women God has for me NOW leaving what is behind and straining toward the goal He calls me!

I am standing on the promise of God, that is stated in the song "Oceans", You have NEVER failed me and you won't start NOW!" Thank you, God, for this time and I am forever remembering this moment as victory in the name of Jesus Christ!